Jankles

Overseen & Overheard at Coffee Shop

I am a photographer, an advertising photographer, some like to call us the ones that “make the real bucks.”  I always find myself severely judging the “fine art photo” crowd that I interact with on a daily basis.  I am currently sitting next to a fine art graduate student in the coffee shop on my campus and oh boy am I judging everything that comes out of his mouth.  He is having coffee with on of the professors on campus and explaining his current “narrative piece.”  This is what just came out of his mouth: “Well I’m like doing a narrative pice where cats personify my personality.”  

Stop right here.  Cats?!  How in gods name can a cat personify your personality.  This makes absolutely no sense to me due to the fact that cats suck, they’re boring, and oh wait everyone and their mother photographs fucking cats.  Hipster ass hole; aren’t you glad you’re spending the big bucks on a graduate education to photograph cats!

An Article About Ian

This is an article I wrote to possibly be pubbed, read it!

When asked the simple question of “How tall are you?” Ian Irving, life-long native of Rochester, NY replied with “5’3”, with tall shoes on.” Despite being “vertically challenged,” Ian is by far one of the strongest climbers in western, upstate New York. Starting his climbing career at the age of 20, Ian is a man of raw and natural climbing talent, picking up his skills from areas around Rochester such as the Niagra Glen in Canada and The Gunks in New Paltz, New York. Over the past five years since Ian was last “Unearthed,” he has traveled all over the states sending routes such as: Solution (V11) at the Gunks, Finger Hut (V10) in Joes Valley, and $600 (V9) at Red Rocks.  Not only is Ian’s small stature impressive for how hard he climbs, but Ian is also frequently found consuming whole pound cakes and blocks of cheese before, during, and after he climbs while still climbing strong and maintaining his figure.  Aside from climbing you can often find Ian riding his beloved “fixie” bike, taking photos with is antique cameras, or getting fresh new ink at the local tattoo shop.   

Mirror

There is something scarily entertaining about staring at yourself in the mirror.  Maybe it’s just because I think I’m really pretty?  Staring at myself for about the past hour now, I came to a startling realization… do ugly people stare at themselves in the mirror?  I guess they stare at themselves while thinking “damn I’m ugly.”  The things that go through my head while I stare at myself are the following:

“Oh man my hair looks amazing like that! Why don’t I wear it out like that more often?  Oh wait, I think I look like an idiot because my pony tail is sitting flush on the top of my noggin.  Boys don’t like hair like that, do they? Boys like boobs, how can I make my boobs look bigger (lift, squeeze, push, etc.).”

I then continue to make various shapes with my lips while asking myself which I look best doing.  Squishy lips, pouty-bottom lip, half-kissie lips, show-only-your-two-front-teeth lip, and the inevitable sexy-bite-cho lip. 

Someone take this goddamn mirror AWAY from me.

Shit Climber GIRLS Say

Since the recent outbreak in “Shit ____ Say” and the “Shit Climbers Say” by LT11, I have decided to make a list of things that climber girls say.

• Can you carry my rope?
• That climb seems too reachy for me.
• Gosh I’m so short!
• Oh my god where did you get that Verve bra?!
• Your yoga pants are like so cute.
• My biceps are definitely bigger than my boyfriends.
• Look how big my arms are!
• My back is definitely not going to fit in that shirt.
• I can’t wear that dress, it makes my back look so manly.
• I love the balance-y climbs.
• Can I get a spot? (5 boys run over)
• I think my boobs got in the way of that move, yeah that was definitely it.
• Wanna put those draws up for me?
• Aren’t Clif Bars so yummy!
• Do you have a size 3.5 in those shoes? My heels are really narrow.
• (To group of boys) Wanna see how many pull-ups I can do on that door jam?

If anyone thinks of any more, feel free to respond!

A Visit to the Gyno

Every woman has that dreaded once-a-year visit to the gynecologist office.  The creepy over-sterilized smell of the office, the overpopulation of women, and the tools that lay around on the table that no patient has any clue what holes the doctor is about to stick them in.  I think every gynecologist (female) has to be somewhat lesbian in order to do the job they’re doing every day.  They get to finger thousands of women a year, what lesbian doesn’t want that?!

The visit to the gynecologist is scarily familiar to how any sexual encounter would start off.  The doctor comes into the room and starts off with small talk.  They ask how you’ve been, tells you that you look great, then gets down to the dirty business.  Then comes the fingering and awkward boob grabbing. This is when the sexual encounter metaphor comes to a screaming halt.  That screaming halt would be when the stirrups and the duck bills are introduced.  Heels in stirrups, then comes the insertion of a cold, unfamiliar metal object, the “metal duck bills.”  This thing gets shoved so far up your v-cavity that you can practically taste the metal in the back of your throat. No human being on planet earth wants to have another person staring that far up into the dark, wet hole that is created by this foreign cranking object.  It’s just not human.

When the dirty business is over, you get kicked out faster than a you would during a shitty one night stand.

A simple, yet complicated explanation.

I’m trying this whole writing and comedy thing out in a time of, well, crisis you may call it. What better way to do it than start a blog like every other air-headed idiot that thinks they can become famous on this planet earth.  First off, to explain the title of my blog, “Jankles.”  I am a rock climber, and probably will not let you forget it because it is one of those things that I am most proud of in my life.  It gets me a nice body, something to show off at parties, and an attitude of general bad-assery being a girl and all.  Jankels is a term I came across on one of my favorite rock climbing blogs, http://www.climbingterms.com.  

Word: “Jankles” (n)

Definition: Permanently janky ankles incurred from excessive bouldering falls. E.g., “I took a flyer off that thing onto the talus landing, causing me to have jankles on both sides.”

Yes, it may sound rather random and foolish, but hell I liked the way it sounded and my “jankles” collapse on a daily basis when I try and run in ill-supported shoes that I think make me look pretty (i.e. hipster boots).

I am by no means equipped with good grammar or spelling, but I like to think that I can have some damn good content when I put my mind to it.  You’ll generally find what I like to call “rantings and judgements” on this blog, because that’s what I like to do, rant and judge.  Here is my fair warning that things could get graphic, so if ya don’t like it, don’t read it!

Cheers.